Which Song From “Cats” Is Our Jellicle Choice? An Investigation

After experiencing the unhinged hallucination of the 2019 film adaptation of “Cats,” I knew I could not rest until determining which song from its soundtrack was the cat’s meow.

Written by Annie Lyons

Like most of the Internet, I went into my “Cats” viewing experience as a novice fan who had never seen the stage version. I only knew the basics. I knew it was a musical composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber in the 1980s known for not having much of a plot. (Webber based the song lyrics on a book of poems that T.S. Elliot wrote for his godchildren titled “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats.”) I knew only the most famous song, “Memory.” Above all else, I knew it was controversial: people either love “Cats” or hate it, and more or less, it’s mainly just theatre kids in the first category.

But then that trailer dropped. There could not have been a more fitting way to end 2019 than to see an A-list cast sing and dance and grind about in CGI cat attire straight out of the Uncanny Valley. Despite its visuals, director Tom Hooper’s adaptation stays more or less true to the original musical besides one new song, some subtle lyric changes, and an attempt at a more coherent plot.

And what a plot it is! Once a year, a tribe of cats called the Jellicles gathers to make what’s called the “Jellicle Choice.” They take turns introducing themselves through song and dance in hopes of being the one lucky cat who ascends to the Heaviside Layer, a metaphysical realm only accessible by hot air balloon, where they’ll receive the chance of a new life.

By the end of the movie, we learn which lucky cat is the Jellicle Choice, but I couldn’t help but wonder which song deserved the prize. For my investigation, I evaluated the songs based on three criteria, each rated out of five: musicality, grotesqueness, and general Jellicle-ness (think of this as the wow factor). Naturally, each song automatically begins with one point in the grotesqueness category to account for the general horror of the cat animation combined with human noses.

“Jellicle Songs For Jellicle Cats”

Lately, there’s just been one question on everyone’s lips: what IS a Jellicle cat? The opening number of “Cats” could not lay it out any clearer: “Jellicles do and Jellicles can / Jellicles can and Jellicles do.” If you’re not well-versed in Jellicle lore and still scratching your head (although, I repeat: those lines really could not be any clearer!), you might be wondering, “Well, what is it exactly that Jellicles can and Jellicles do?”

To put the answer simply — everything. Jellicles are ancient and powerful beings. Just take a look at the rest of the lyrics: “Have you been an alumnus of Heaven or Hell? … Were you there when the Pharaohs commissioned the Sphinx?” This explanation also helps us understand the magical powers later displayed by Macavity and Mr. Mistoffelees. To be Jellicle is to be limitless. One can be a political cat, a hypocritical cat, a romantical cat, and a pedantical cat all in one!

Forget the life you thought you knew. Jellicles are our gods now.

Musicality: 2
Grotesqueness: 1
Jellicle-ness: 3
Total: 6

“The Old Gumbie Cat”

Going into “Cats," I knew more or less what to expect. The bizarre proportions, the half-baked CGI, the nonsensical plot, even the constant horniness — I was game. But I can confidently promise you that I was not expecting Rebel Wilson to physically unzip her own skin, only to reveal a second cat skin wearing a bright pink showgirl outfit. This whole song is disturbing from start to finish. Wilson’s character, Jennyanydots, trains mice and cockroaches in her free time to perform tricks on her demand, but any consistency with the CGI-look of the cats is just thrown out the window here, as her underlings all have human faces with no added animation. There’s a unique, dystopian horror to the concept of Jennyanydots forcing work upon another species just to pick them off at random to be cruelly eaten alive. Capitalism. It makes beasts of us all.

Despite narrator Munkustrap’s (Robbie Fairchild) best efforts, the number is musically a mess too. Munkustrap kicks things off with a slow and hauntingly beautiful contemplation of what makes a gumbie cat (“And that’s what makes a gumbie cat! / That’s what makes a gumbieeee cat!”). But the song falls apart with Rebel Wilson’s ill-conceived verses that she performs in a tinny Miranda Sings-esque voice. I genuinely feel that most of the actors did the best they could with the material, but Wilson’s lack of energy makes what could’ve been a fun song, if only for its ridiculousness, into something much darker.

Musicality: 1
Grotesqueness: 5
Jellicle-ness: 1
Total: 7

“The Rum Tum Tugger”

Photo courtesy of The Hollywood Archive and Universal Pictures

Ever since the news of the movie adaptation of “Cats” first broke, one phrase has haunted me day and night: Jason Derulo is Rum Tum Tugger. Say it three times fast: Jason Derulo is Rum Tum Tugger. Jason Derulo is Rum Tum Tugger. Jason Derulo is Rum Tum Tugger. The mere thought of the 30-year-old singer of “Talk Dirty” in a tight catsuit singing a high pitched, autotuned “Rum Tum Tugger” à la his trademark JaSoN DeRULoooo sent me spiraling. But you can’t deny it — Jason Derulo IS Rum Tum Tugger! But after months of anticipation, his solo number … fell flat.

Rum Tum Tugger is supposed to be the sexy and arrogant rockstar cat, with the original role in the ‘80s being clearly based off Mick Jagger. But despite its overwhelming horniness of cats moaning adoringly at Derulo’s feet as they lap up milk, the song never reaches it’s true potential to be a banger. And visually, it’s hard to compete with the pure chaos of Jennyanydots’ cockroach sequence, which takes place just before. Desensitization, thy name is “Cats.” But I will say this — Derulo commits to his role. I really and truly believed that he went to cat school to learn how to swagger around on all fours.

Musicality: 3
Grotesqueness: 2
Jellicle-ness: 3
Total: 8

“Macavity”

Photo courtesy of Vanity Fair. (If I had to see nude Idris Elba Cat, so do you!)

I had high hopes for the villian song of “Cats,” and “Macavity,” sung primarily by Taylor Swift, does not disappoint! Swift resharpens her reputation claws as the feisty Bombalurina to serve up some femme fatale attitude and a truly perplexing British accent. As the right-hand woman of the wicked Macavity (Idris Elba), she drugs the Jellicles with catnip to incapacitate them, allowing Idris Elba Cat to kidnap Judi Dench Cat without resistance. It’s unclear exactly what effects the catnip drug has, but it seems safe to assume it probably brings about a hallucinatory trip that’s similar to the experience of watching “Cats” itself.

Swift leans into the much needed campiness of the role as she tells us the evil misdeeds of Idris Elba Cat, who’s been a very bad, bad kitty. And honestly, it’s a fun and catchy song with a jazzy twist. But, with “Cats,” there’s always another twist you weren’t expecting: in the song’s big finale, Elba removes his fur coat and reveals his uncomfortably sleek and smooth nude cat body underneath. Swift adoringly cuddles up to his chest. I promptly black out.

Musicality: 4
Grotesqueness: 4
Jellicle-ness: 3
Total: 11

“Bustopher Jones: The Cat About Town”

To be perfectly candid, I don’t have the emotional capacity to really discuss this one.

Musicality: 0
Grotesqueness: 4
Jellicle-ness: 0
Total: 4

“Memory”

Photo courtesy of NBC News and Universal Pictures

“Memory” is by far the most famous song from “Cats.” After slinking around dejectedly the whole film, the long-suffering outcast Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson) finally gets a chance to plead her case to become the Jellicle choice. The song has a pretty and simple melody, and Hudson’s voice is predictably gorgeous and aching — but it also just doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the movie. “Memory” has the hidden edge of being the only song from the original musical with lyrics not taken directly from the T.S. Eliot book of cat poems. Instead, the lyrics are inspired by another Eliot poem, “Rhapsody on a Windy Night,” and as such, the lyrics, while beautiful, lack the whimsy and humorous disposition of a true Jellicle song.

As I watched Judi Dench Cat crown Jennifer Hudson Cat as the Jellicle Choice, I couldn’t help but wonder about dear Skimbleshanks who gave us a true spectacle: complex choreography, dazzling set design, and endless entertainment. Surely he had trained for months to prepare! I liken this mild outrage to the same feeling I got when I first realized that Sharpay Evans deserved so much more than what she got in “High School Musical.” I feel like the easier option would’ve been for the Jellicles to simply agree to stop bullying Jennifer Hudson Cat, but I suppose sending her off in a hot air balloon to be reincarnated is the next best option.

Musicality: 5
Grotesqueness: 2
Jellicle-ness: 2
Total: 9

“Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat”

While discussing her newest project, a musical, film director Greta Gerwig said, “One thing I feel that the world is really missing right now is tap dancing.” Well, Greta, I hate to rain on your parade, but somebody else has already brought tap dancing back to the mainstream: Skimbleshanks, the railway cat! I’ll admit, I was a little nervous when Skimbleshanks (Steven McRae) first stepped out clad in his bright red suspenders, but the second he started tap-tap-tapping away, I was hooked.

“Skimbleshanks” is one of the more effective group numbers of the musical. There’s this certifiably delightful “whoo-whoo” that the cat chorus calls out in imitation of a train whistle, and their harmonies when they sing “the cat of the railway train” are tenderly beautiful. The cottagecore visuals of the lyrics also make this number a standout: oh, to be a passenger settled in your cozy berth with your name written up on the door and a cup of morning tea on the way!

The deeply unsettling proportions of the “Cats” universe are really on display during the song’s fantasy sequence. My brain blipped out for a second as it struggled to reconcile how the cats are somehow small enough to dance on a single railroad track rail but large enough to fit snugly in the train car beds. But one thing’s for sure: this train cannot and will not start without the cat of the railway train!

Musicality: 4
Grotesqueness: 2
Jellicle-ness: 5
Total: 11

“The Ad-dressing Of Cats”

Photo courtesy of Bustle and Universal Pictures

Musicals typically follow a certain structure. The last number usually involves the whole ensemble to deliver a rousing, boot-stomping, curtain-dropping finale. For better or for worse, “Cats” says “Screw tradition!” and instead gives us Dame Judi Dench breaking the fourth wall and intimately crooning advice on how to approach a cat for the closing song. At moments, the company of cats joins in to passionately reiterate her guidance, but this is Dench’s moment through and through.

The scene takes place out in the open as the sun rises, putting an end to the debauchery of the last night — another year, another Jellicle Ball for the books! But with the morning sun shining on the pale cobblestones as the cats congregated by a larger-than-life lion statue, I was uncannily reminded of another musical adaptation directed by Tom Hooper: “Les Misérables” (2012). On the surface, the two endings are one and the same: a crowd gathers in a historical-looking square to celebrate the symbolism of a new day breaking. But rather than murdered revolutionaries singing their hopes for freedom, we instead receive such gems as, “So first, your memory I’ll jog / and say a cat is not a dog.”

Musicality: 1
Grotesqueness: 2
Jellicle-ness: 2
Total: 5

“Mr. Mistoffelees”

And finally, my personal Jellicle choice. “Mr. Mistoffelees” serves as a welcome testament to the power of words of affirmation. After the kidnapping of their matriarch, Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench), the Jellicles despair until ingenue Victoria (Francesca Hayward) encourages them all to hype up her nervous crush, Mr. Mistoffelees (Laurie Davidson), to use his magical powers to bring Judi Dench Cat back. I, for one, could relate to Mr. Mistoffelees’ simultaneous and contradictory anxiousness and desire for attention. Emboldened by the praise, in just five short minutes, Mr. Mistoffelees goes from performing low-level slights like card tricks to shifting the sands of space and time to bring Judi Dench Cat back from certain doom.

Imagine the potential disaster if Victoria had showed her support with gift-giving instead! I can only hope that Mr. Mistoffelees puts in the same work into learning Victoria’s love language if he wants their relationship to thrive. I’m personally betting she favors acts of service.

Not to mention, this is an infectious earworm of a song with a catchy refrain I’ve been unable to escape for weeks now: “Oh, well I never, was there ever / a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees?” And in the end, I thought about it and realized they were right — I really never have seen a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Musicality: 4
Grotesqueness: 3
Jellicle-ness: 5
Total: 12

When I stumbled out of the dark movie theater on that cold and fateful December day, I emerged a new woman, irredeemably changed by what I had just witnessed. Did I change for the better? Who’s to say? To symbolically mark my new Jellicle self, I decided to reject the commonly used Gregorian calendar and instead delineate time a new way: B.C. for Before “Cats” and A.D. for After Despair (that was caused by “Cats”). Welcome to Year One.

Afterglow ATXJanuary 8, 2020annie lyons