My Afterglow Moment: Learning Self-Love Through Lizzo

How a combination of flute solos, rap verses, and positive mantras helped me overcome past demons and realize what self-love is actually about.

My Afterglow Moment is a series where staff writers and editors share their favorite music-related memories.

Written by Kriss Conklin
Illustrated by Anisha Kamat

 
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Content Warning: This article contains discussion of eating disorders. 

The first time I saw Lizzo live was the first time I understood what self-love truly felt like. I discovered her music towards the end of high school, when my best friend played “Juice” in the middle of our journalism class. Before this introduction, I had a strong aversion to any and all pop music. I thought the genre was annoying and had little meaning, but when I discovered Lizzo’s advocacy for self-love and body positivity, I began thinking back to my own struggles with accepting my body and loving who I am. I decided to give Lizzo a chance, and I instantly fell in love with Cuz I Love You — the album I deem responsible for helping me fall in love with myself. 

Lizzo became my soundtrack of the summer before I arrived at UT. I blasted her music almost every day while getting ready for work, doing trivial tasks around my house, and riding around my suburban hometown in my best friend’s truck. When I learned she was going to perform at the Austin City Limits festival, I was ecstatic and purchased a three-day pass for Weekend Two without hesitation. The opportunity to see one of my greatest inspirations perform during my first semester of college was irresistible. 

Before seeing Lizzo in concert, I expected dancing and good vibes only. I spent nearly six months religiously listening to her music and reading all her teachings of self-love on social media. I was ready to forget about every test, project, and assignment I had due that week. All I wanted to do was sing along to my favorite songs with my best friend at my side, but nothing could have prepared me for the tidal wave of emotions that overcame me that night at Zilker Park. 

Seven years ago, I was consumed by depression and anorexia. I always woke up feeling like crap, thinking about how many days I could go without eating and how much I hated myself. Having an eating disorder was one of the toughest experiences I have ever lived through, and it was even harder to unlearn every negative thing I trained myself to notice when I looked in the mirror. I later learned to take care of my body and mind once I started recovery. 

After attending numerous therapy sessions and practicing mindful eating, I defeated my disordered eating. I thought I had mastered self-love, but I was wrong. I had no idea what self-love looked like, because I had wasted so many of my teenage years hating myself and how I looked. My idea of self-love back then was an illusion. Everything I did was because I wanted other people to notice how ‘good’ I was at performing acts of self-care, not because I wanted to take care of myself. It wasn’t until Lizzo’s uplifting, feel-good set and many monologues about loving yourself that I came to the revelation that there is no endgame when it comes to self-love.  

After this realization, I cried for the entire performance. Tears streamed down my face as I belted every word to the setlist and danced like a madman. When Lizzo led the audience in chanting the mantra “I love you, you are beautiful, and you can do anything,” I cried even harder. At that moment, every ounce of self-loathing I thought I had gotten rid of through my acts of ‘self-care’ rose to the surface. I felt every instant I had ever hated myself all at once. Then, slowly, all the anger I had with myself faded away for good. I realized that self-love is not a one-and-done practice for others to witness, but a continuous act I must commit to for my own sake. 

By the end of the night, my heart was filled with self-acceptance, happiness, and all the natural sugars from Juiceland’s lemonade. Seeing Lizzo in concert opened my eyes to the transformative power of music. That was the first time I was able to physically experience the comfort that a song, album or artist can bring me on my best and worst days. I sit in awe when I think about how much Lizzo’s and other artists’ music has helped to change my outlook on life for the better. If I had not found solace in Lizzo’s music last summer, I would have never continued on my journey of learning to accept and love myself.

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