Resting in Peace: 5 Stages of Grief in Songs
Experiencing the death of a loved one is an inevitability of life. However, music acts as a way to cope during times of loss, regardless of the varying emotions that come with grief.
Written by Gracie Warhurst
Illustrated by Roberto Soto
They say there are five stages of grief. On paper, losing someone is a process you go through that eases with time. But then it's your turn to experience loss, one of the only sure things that every human has in common, and the five stages of grief don’t feel like a step-by-step process anymore. That isn’t to say that there aren’t stages of grief, just that they may look more convoluted and never-ending than they did upon first glance. It’s not enough to have sympathy cards and flowers. Feeling understood fully, even in the ugliest parts of experiencing someone’s death, provides an outlet and some semblance of that last, arguably most important step: acceptance. Sometimes there are people who can support us, but all the time there is music (and a lot of it) that express the mountain of emotions as well as the progress in trying to live again.
Right after someone you love has passed, it likely consumes you. It’s life shattering and touches just about every part of you. Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” voices the fear that most people experience in the beginning: “Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? / Can I handle the seasons of my life?” It’s terrifying to think that you might not be ready to experience these kinds of emotions. Depending on who you’ve lost, it can also be scary to not have their guidance and support any longer. The song touches on this too with the lyrics, “Well, I've been afraid of changin' / 'Cause I've built my life around you,” signaling the paralysis that comes with loss. Even if this stage shifts or changes, going through it stays with you.
“Circles” by Mac Miller empathizes with the transition into anger that many people experience next. The dust has somewhat settled and it seems like everyone around you has processed the news and moved on with their lives, and may even expect you to be “okay” again. Miller sings, “And I don't have a name, I don't have a name, no / Who am I to blame, who am I to blame though? / And I cannot be changed, I cannot be changed, no / Trust me, I've tried,” signifying a natural frustration in grief: having no punching bag for the pain to feel better. Despite the unpleasantness in this time, these feelings are normal and valid. Like Miller’s lyrics say, people try to avoid the discouraging emotions of grief, which can feel impossible in the moment. The only thing you can do is keep allowing yourself to feel it.
Feeling incredibly low after someone dies is an obvious reaction. And sometimes this sadness may even feel like acceptance at first because you’re not trying to fight it anymore. Bon Iver’s “00000 Million” describes this exact embrace of sorrow, especially in the lyrics, “Cause the days have no numbers / Well it harms, it harms me, it harms, I'll let it in.” At this point, it may be weeks or months after they’ve passed. And even if this time has come and gone, there’s no one saying this phase won’t return. Tears and loss seem to go together, no matter how much time has gone on. Even with it’s recurrence or lack of a timeline, it’s okay to let sadness in.
There will be a time to commemorate the one you love and share stories of them with friends, family, or even strangers. Little things may come to memory, and you may even speak directly to them. At this stage, Frank Ocean’s “Godspeed” sounds like a message of promise to never forget the one you lost. He sings, “I will always love you how I do / Let go of a prayer for you / Just a sweet word / The table is prepared for you,” reminiscent of holding on to that affection for someone who’s no longer with you. Ocean’s lyrics acknowledge that your loved ones will always have a place in your heart, the memories you have of them living on. It’s not quite the same as being perfectly fine, if that’s even attainable, but at least it's a warmer sadness, a nod to someone who you’ll never forget and will always save a place for.
Some may think that acceptance is the end of the road. And acceptance is certainly better than some of the other stages — namely all of them — but it is also in a way, just waiting. Waiting to be with them in another life, or waiting in this life to make use of what they left you with. Kanye West sings of the former idea in his song, “Only One,” where he addresses himself from the point of view of his mother looking over him. The lines, “And next time when I look in your eyes / We'll have wings and we'll fly,” is the epitome of lying in wait. For West, he knows an after-life is waiting for him eventually and finds comfort in meeting his mother there. Miley Cyrus’ song, “When I Look At You,” describes the latter situation, singing, “When the waves / Are flooding the shore and I can't / Find my way home anymore / That's when I, I / I look at you.” The song can appear as a love ballad, but also captures the process of holding onto your loved one’s memory. There will be struggles in life after mourning someone. There will also be joyous times. These are the things you want to share, but ultimately can’t, after someone passes on. But, there is a place for them in your heart which you’ll always have to draw strength from.
There is no guidebook to experiencing grief. It’s something you’re thrown into, whether your loss is sudden or expected. Even so, for their loved ones, there is still a life to be lived, and it is ultimately what they would want. It is important to cope and to feel the multitudes of grief in their entirety. Music can help you do that — guiding you through every stage.